I began the semester on a bit of a funny note. I had been challenged to really seek out the pieces of my life that were distracting me from coming closer in relationship with God. I hadn't realised this would be such a painful and difficult process.
Like many girls my age, looking around and seeing my friends dating, getting in relationships and even some getting married was a struggle when I seemed to be the only one riding life by myself. I had come into this year of college with an attitude that I would NOT be one of the people just trying to find a husband. Yet, as I slowly started to examine my thought process when it came to guys, I was most definitely kidding myself. This needed to change, because if it didn't, my attitude was going to get worse, my relationship with Christ was slowly, but majorly going to suffer and my friendships with guys would become confusing and false.
But this wasn't the only thing going on within me. I had problems that I needed to deal with. These were dealings I needed to put on the table, repent and ask for forgiveness and strength to deal with through the Lord. Through His great grace and mercy, this semester has seen a number of these major blocks broken down and dealt with. It reminded me of the skit guys skit, "God's chisel" Through their skit, they show a man who wants to become a sold-out Christ follower, but needs Christ to help him become that. It gave the image of God removing the sinful areas in our lives so that bit by bit, we can slowly become more and more like Christ, rather than more and more like the world. This is exactly what the Lord has been doing in my life this semester, though having large pieces of your life chiselled out of you is extremely painful.
For a number of weeks I spent hours alone in my room, buying into the lies that no-one wanted to be around me, that I was disliked and useless to be around. I was falling deeper into my secret sins, and choosing to hide away rather than seek God for help and forgiveness. It was at this point God made his presence known. Not because he had been gone, and decided to finally show up, but because I'd come to a point (one I'd been in almost a year before) and realised I NEEDED Him. After crying out, questioning how a God who supposedly loves me and cares for me so much could let me go through such pain, I finally began to see exactly how he could allow that. He didn't want me to be in pain, or to be hurting, but I had allowed myself to get in that place. But God loves us SO much, that He never left me one minute. Though he seemed distant - due to my own ignorance - he had never left me alone. He was with me through everything, and he has been giving me the strength to deal with my problems head on, and to become comfortable in the person and the body he has given me.
I have been using the circumference of a circle a lot recently when talking about my faith. I have no idea why, but it just seems logical in my brain. God radically 180'd my life around almost two years ago, which kick-started the process to be ending up here at Moody. This semester God has taken me on a 360 road tour of my life. I began thinking I had everything going well. I knew what I was doing, and life was going to be great, but slowly things disintegrated between my fingers. Friendships became distant and some seemed distinct. I became closed off and began to retract into my little cove - anyone who's an extrovert will know this is not a normal tendency. My quiet times became very quiet as I slept instead of read and sulked instead of sung. Them, something beautiful happened. In a moment of complete despair I cried out to the Lord. I asked him that I would feel his presence and hear his voice. As humans we crave affection. Yet for so long, I had lost the craving for the Love of God and instead had replaced it with the mediocre love people on earth could drip into me. A love that can not even closely satisfy.
What I learned in these moments was that Christ was enough. I learned that I didn't need anyone else to love me. I didn't need others to make me feel good or to make me know my worth. I didn't need to fit into this clique, or that group or the cool people sitting at the circle tables. I realised that CHRIST WAS ENOUGH. He did that. He made me feel loved, and he reminded me of my worth. I was reminded that I was so loved and cared for that God sent his son to take the cross for me, so that I didn't have to take the pain myself. As I began to rest in this truth I had so often heard, but neglected, I began to fall deeper and deeper in love with Christ. As I got into the Word, and began to spend time with the Lord, I saw the people he had for me on earth as a gift. I noticed the friendships that were worth time and effort, and worth pursuing. Not for my physical wants and needs, but for my spiritual growth. I noticed people who were so sought after Christ, that their friendship was but a twinkle of the relationship we can have with Christ when we truly seek after him with all of our hearts.
One of the biggest things I've learned this semester is that CHRIST IS ENOUGH FOR ME. Anything more that he gives me is a gift. The friendships I have that push me to become more and more like Him, are a gift. Relationships are a gift. Be thankful for the people you are surrounded by, but most of all, be thankful for the Saviour who took the cross for YOU, because he loves YOU that much!
My prayer for anyone who has read this through, is that you will know the Fathers love for you. Romans 5:8 says, "But God shows is great love for us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." This is a love, a gift, a relationship we should not deny. If you've never known the Lord and want to know more, PLEASE talk to me, or to someone else you know is following Christ. It's okay to ask questions!! :) If you're a follower of Christ, but feeling burned out, talk to the Lord. Talk to Him and ask for a renewal of strength to follow him and to seek Him. I hope you can be encouraged by my words in this post too. If you're following the Lord and following Him strong, I praise God that you're seeking Him out! I'm so excited for you, and pray you will continue to whole-heartedly follow Him!
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| Some of my own prayer requests: That I will continue to grow stronger in my relationship with the Lord, and won't let anything hinder me from that. That I will begin to prepare myself for my internship this summer. That my brother will come to know the love of His Saviour. Finally, that I will love the Lord with all my heart, soul and mind and with all the strength that He gives me and be content with the life and friends he has provided me with so I can be encouraged to pursue Him more. |
